How's it gonna be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be


Never in my life have I been so hurt. Never in my life have I been so hateful. Never in my life have I wanted to brush it off as badly as I do right now but somehow I have yet to find the footing to help get me into lift off. I have never wished death upon someone in a serious manner but yet I find myself doing it over and over and over again. Unexistance in some cases would be more benefitial to life than not. The anger I carry with me is growing into a ridiculous load. The shit on my shoulders is growing into a ridiculous mass- Festering and just eating me alive. If I could wash off the stink I would. If I could remove the disgust I would but somehow it still circles around inside of me. If I could do the job with my own bare hands I really think I'd do it. I'd bless this world with my hands positioned so perfectly around that neck and within a few minutes there'd be silence. I'm such a bad person to be able to say or think that. But, hey, I'll be throwing the parties down in Hell anyways.

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."- Polybius. That quote in itself should be m0re than plenty for me. Because at the end of the day there is a seed of good somewhere and once light hits it again it'll all come out. And karma will be paid for all this mess and destruction. Nothing good or benefitial can come from something to evil and deceiteful. Hope for one but none for the other. Why there's hope still being prayed for I don't know. It's not worth the time or the worry. You're not worth a single breath or thought- but it's there. "Those who know how to win are much more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories". Every event in life and every situation that one crawls through is a lesson to be learned. Slowly but surely we are beginning to fail at turning this life events into lessons learned. We are becoming just plain ignorant. You're ignorant. Empathy, not sympathy. Of anyone I know you're one who should learn how to empathize because if you could than no harm and no foul could come of you. You've walked the miles in the shoes but somehow you've forgotten the feeling. How exactly does one forget? How do you forget or repress a feeling like that? A hurt like that? Never will I forget. I won't let it hold me back but I won't let it be a lesson gone missing. Never ever.

It's a funny thing what people can say out of anger- or just in spite. To preach one thing and become a complete hyprocrite the next second. 95% of really hurtful things are more than likely said only out of spite and are anything but genuine. These are the words that are later regretted. Think before you speak. Speak not with a sharp tongue unless you are completely aware and okay with the repercussions that are to come from it. Apologies can be said and are sometimes necessary but you can only apologize so many times before the word "apology" begins to resemble the word "bullshit". I know better than any. I read it all better than any. I can figure it out better than any. Test me not. I spend my time getting to know people and being able to read them and understand them. My brain is a complex place to be. Odds are nothing you have to offer is anything harder to bare. Like the back of my hand, darling. I know this cycle all too well. I know this nonsense all too well. You forget but I do not. I just pitty it all, really. Pitty the decisions made and the words slammed around. I do not regret anything I have said because if anything I have refrained more than I have jumped the gun. I have meant what I have said and I stick to it firmly. I just hate that you probably will never be able to say the same. You've learned the buttons to push and boy do those buttons tend to feel like jagged knives but I have grown an armor to it all. I know better than that. I know better than you.

I pray; I pray for you and all the mistakes and decisions. I pray for lots of things. It's not worth it and you're not worth it but it happens. I pray for everyone I love and that's just that. Maybe one day God will show up again in this place and help me to cut these ties. You've been burning bridges faster than you can run and odds are you won't be able to fix it this time. Better start praying for some rain and clarity there, darling. I pray for stability and clarity. I see quite clear but now I need to find my footing once again. I feel it coming though. Fear no evil- can't no bitches hold me down.

<3

Oh, me. How I do love you. Insecurities are fleeting. I like this.

Realizations

Today I was just think,think,thinkin. Nothing new, nothing different. Then it hit me like a back of bricks. Maybe it was me who left You first? I lost the faith and I lost the effort. So perhaps I deserved this struggle? Perhaps it was Your way to show me that Your help is needed. I lost faith a long time ago. Maybe that's why I wonder where God has gone. I left Him first. I am not a religious person, at all. I don't believe in organized religion- I just believe in having a faith. I know You're there- somewhere. I just haven't seen You in a long, long time. But now I am beginning to see that maybe it's because I have been running in the opposite direction. Once upon a time I felt so sure of life and You. I had my struggles but somehow I was helped through them all. This time it just keeps piling on. More and more is learned and lost. Now I see that maybe it is all me. With eyes wide shut I keep you out. I'm too stubborn for help. I've tried to take it all on by myself for a while now. I should change that. I need to accept what You give and use it to the full potential. I am oh so sorry for my lost ways. Life is my own adventure though. I had to go off roading for at least a minute there. Back to You now? I am going to try. I am going to try to find that faith. Paths will meet again and this time I won't be so blind and stubborn. I'm coming.

Don't leave just yet

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside and

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,
if you feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
I’ll come running to your side,

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind cause
After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
After all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Any other reason
to stay instead of leavin’
after all, yeah


"Lets give this one more chance before we say goodbye
don't leave just yet I was mistaken,
my hands are tied my time is wasting
and I just want you to know, that I need you now,
don't leave just yet "

Don't give up so easily. Hold out for it- we've come too far to stop this now. Speak those sweet, sweet words to me once again. I know you have it in you. I know I have it in me. Too much is right for it to be wrong. Anything that is worth it is worth fighting for. Life is an occasion- rise to it. Rise to where you belong. And you belong with me- not trash.
Breathe out so I can breathe you in. I do wait for the days to share the same air as you. Live for it. When it rains it pours but in the end it can't rain forever. I just wish this little rain cloud above my head would clear up and let the sunshine back in. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Life.

I've been thinking on this all day. I can guarantee that it's not going to be the same or as well written as it would have been earlier because I can never sit down and write out my thoughts when they're fresh but whatever. Life's been interesting this year. Interesting to say in the least. Within the past twelve months I have grown greatly and have learned so much of myself. It's amazing how you really never stop growing or learning- if you choose to. I love stepping back and watching these lost souls floating around me. No desires or goals in life. No passion or care. No motivation to create the life they could achieve and appreciate. I always ask why? How? How can you be so content with just being....well, content? Who ever said you have to settle? Fuck settling- I refuse. You only live life once and you're never guaranteed that next breath. Screw wasting time anymore. Don't get me wrong, slow and steady does win the race but if you never take the risks then you'll forever be pacing around in the same circle. Never do I want to cross a road that I've already walked down. Changes- I always want to see the changes. Situations can and will be the same but the outcome will always be different. I refuse to accept anything else. I decided a long time ago that I will never look back and regret. Never. I know sometimes I'll look back and realize," Hey, I could have done that differently. Could have had a handle on it so much better." But take that fucking lesson and run with it. Put it in your pocket and try it different. Grow in your own person. I am not the same person as I was and come tomorrow I'll be different yet again. I am forever changing. Now, no, this does not mean that my character will change or my being as a whole will change but I am learning. I am fine tuning myself for the future and I will continue to be a damn good person. I'm letting go of the fears and grabbing what I want. Slowly but surely I will do it. I think everyone should be this way. "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." Damn straight. This world is ours for the taking. I am going to take my part. I don't even know where I got off for this rant but I've just had this ball rolling and growing in my thoughts. And now it's time to put it down. Hesitations lead to regrets. No more hesitating. No more "what if's?" What's there honestly to lose? Things are always changing. No one can say that they haven't been through nonsense in their life and, if they can, then they live a pretty sad and sheltered life anyways. If you've made it out of hard spots then don't you think you can do it again? It takes bad to appreciate the good and it only tastes so much sweeter when you've had to work your ass for it. I'm rambling. But in my head it's all straight and clear ha. That's all that matters. Anyways- fucking take what you want in life. Live that shit to the fullest. Live knowing you enjoyed every moment of it while you were living with it, prepare for tomorrow but don't allow it to hinder your experiences. Because tomorrow is never a guaranteed. I'm want to be known for how well I lived my life and that I wasn't some waste of space in the universe. I have made a difference somewhere and will continue to do so. Get on my level.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in

Precious; Absolutely the most precious thing in my life. I am waiting impatiently to share the same air as you. Oh, you. How it does comsume me- but I enjoy every bite of it. Lets take this dive. Lets make an adventure

<3

Ayyyy now

Blank; I've come to a blank. I know I have so much to say and so much to feel but for some reason I just can't seem to get the flow going. So much to chew on lately. So much I over analyze and over stress myself with. It's all rather ridiculous, really. Most things in life I don't have the patience to wait around for to come to me- so I go out and get it. For some reason I find my head & heart telling to go for it but my feet and my mouth won't respond, they don't listen. Somehow I am still holding myself back. Ha how do you hold yourself back in one of the most significant areas of your life? I really do confuse myself. Live with no regrets is what I plan on doing- and will do- but when I stop to think of all the time I am wasting and all the opportunities I allow to slip from my fingertips I wonder if I really am as brave as I think I am to say "I don't fucking live with regret". Hesitation leads to regret. I started out with I strong will and a hard head and slowly I am allowing those to fade out and fade away. Absolutely ridiculous. I need to make the jump. I need to stop this dance I've started. Pacing back and forth will never lead you on an adventure. Life's short and passes by too quickly for me to still be clinging to my old manners of "what if I am taking it the wrong way?" "what if I am expecting too much?" Who cares. Who cares if I expect too much. I have high standards on life. I play to win and I play for keeps. So come on, now. Come and get it. Take what is yours out of life.

Changes are coming. Hopefully courage will come following closely behind. I could use some ha.
I love you. With every breath.

Oasis<3

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that
I would like to say to you I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

Patience.

Something I have very little of. Everything I've learned and am learning pushes me to stop being so patient. You only live once and you're certainly not gaining anymore time- just losing more and more each day. I almost spilled it all out the other day. I don't know what happened but I just got a kick and wanted to confess my every thought. Did restrain myself, though. Don't know if I can much longer. As I said the other day- ballet surely did teach me how to walk on the ball of my foot in a graceful manner but I am not one to tip-toe around a sure fire thing. Need to get on it and get going. It's a hard thing to bottle all of this nonsense up. Lord, you have no idea. Let live and let gooooo. Soon enough. I'll have to blurt it out soon enough.

I want you more than I've ever wanted anything else in my life.

Really love your peaches wanna shake your tree<3

I haven't been this happy in a really long time. Been trying to not stress a thing and so far so good. Everything is slowly falling into place and I couldn't be more pleased. I am bursting at the seams to be able to say the thoughts on my mind but it'll come with due time. No- I did not mean to rhyme that shit. Ignore it. Brown eyes, I hold you near cause you're the only song that I want to hear. I have so much I want to say but school comes to early and I just needed to pour out a little bit. One day everything will be as it should and until then I am just enjoying this ride. You set my heart to fire and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Oh, you. How I do love you<3

I will keep you in my heart<3

Pick me up in your arms
Carry me away from harm
You're never gonna put me down
I know you're just one good man
You'll tire before we see land
You're never gonna put me down
Oh I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day you're not day too soon
Honey I will stitch you
Darling I will fit you in my heart
Honey I will meet youDarling
I will keep you in my heart
You'll risk all this for just a kiss
I promise I will not resist
Promise you won't hold me down
And when we reach a good place
Let's be sure to leave no trace
Promise they won't track us down
Now I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah, I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day, you're not a day too soon
Honey I will stitch you
Darling I will feel you in my heart
Honey I will meet you
Darling I will keep you in my heart
I've been running all my life
I ran away, I ran away from good
Yeah I've been waiting all my life
You're not a day, you're not a day too soon
Oh honey I will stitch you
Darling I will feel you in my heart
Honey I will meet youDarling
I will keep you in my heart

OH MAN!!!!

Amazing. Completely amazing. No, I am not bipolar and I am not writing off my previous entry but right now I feel good. I am still uneasy, somewhere in there, but for now..... for this second... I am happy. Xanax leveled me out and then that just made me easy like Sunday morning.
Oh, you. Ooooh, you ;)

And it all comes creepin' in

I don't know what the hell just happened but this wave of uncertainty just crashed over me and my anxiety is sky high. And I don't even know why, where it came from, or anything. I seriously don't like it. Right now I could curl up into a ball with a pillow over my head and not see anyone for days and I'd be fine. I can't swallow anything right now. My brain functions just aren't connecting like they should. What the fuck is going on? WHAT the FUCK is going on? I need to breathe. I need to disconnect. I need this uncertainty to go away. Whatever is causing it needs to stop or I need to adjust. Maybe it's just from this level of stress I've been functioning on lately and now there's no need since school is out. I don't know.

I just want to be happy. I just want to enjoy these next few weeks and then my birthday and summer and whatnot. I need a smooth transaction into this next chapter of my life. This road I've walked has been bumpy for far too long now. It's time to level out. I need it to level out. I'm tired of swimming against the current. I've struggled enough. God, just give me a break, please. Walk with me and not against me- for my sanity's sake.
Not trying to sound unappreciative cause I am thankful for every breath because I know it's not a guarantee but I'm just saying, I've been carrying on with this balancing act for a while now. Teeter-tottering on the line of happy and sad is not my idea of good things. I'm tired of being crazy. I have too much crazy in my blood. Oh the things I can think up on my own. Never a good thing.

Good times, get here fast. I need my kicks and giggles. Turn this frown upside down. I need out, I need a road trip. I need to smell new things and shrug off the things that surround me daily. I just need a break. Please.

I need you so much closer....

And I cannot guess what we'll discover

When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels

But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s

And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

Oh, Death Cab.....

Heart jumped in my throat, anxiety attack on the way.....

You just came up out of nowhere once again. Nick just texted me and my heart hasn't beat this fast in a long time. Fuuuuuuuck. I can't do this.

Halle Berryyyyyy, Halle Berraaaaay!!!!

Song stuck in my head :P

I am so freakin tired of this attitude going around. I don't understand where people are getting off thinking they're allowed to treat their friends in such a manner. I am freakin over my head with it all. Why in God's name would you treat the people you care for and know care for you most with the least respect and care? Seriously? SERIOUSLY!?!?!? That does not fly. You can take your little petty bitch "friends" and your attitude and shove it elsewhere because I am dooooone trying. It is such a sad, sad thing for people to end up that way. I wish I knew what was the root of the problem but when you act like a dick there's no sense in anyone trying to dig and sort through the mess to try and figure you out. I'd rather eat paint chips. I just hate it right now- so, so much. Please, get your head out of your butt and come back down to planet Earth with the rest of us. We've missed you.

I am so ready for finals to be over. I am at wits end with it all and I could just scream. If I could I would sit down and take every damn test at once but of course things don't work that easily. I'm ready to free myself and to be around the people who make me laugh and smile most. I need that crowd again. It's been almost a week. Ugh! Summer time fun, hurry on home. And summer lovin- find me soon ;)

I need to start working out. This stomach of mine just continues to get less and less attractive. Crunches, here I come!!!!!!! Gonna get my Kiera Knightly on- nice tummy no boobs ahaaaaa. Shit happens. At least I have decent asssssssets. Hahaha yes, I just went there :)

I am not dealing with second place anymore. You hurt my freakin feelings. I was/ am your best friend and you blew me off for someone who has little to no value? What kind of a move is that? Plans made and canceled because you can't say see you later? I get told no all the time- what's the difference? I really hate this, tremendously. I feel so discarded. I am all for telling people do what you do and be friends with whoever you want but I am not cool with if affecting my own friendships. I just don't get it, don't get it at all. Be a friend and make some time, eh? I'm not trying to step on toes but I'm also not looking for tension and anger. I will not swallow that pill.

Hahaha I love horoscopes...

Quickie:
Modesty isn't going to do you any good, so ditch it and step into the spotlight!
Overview:
Your social scene might feel a bit stagnant, but someone new appears to change your mind in a big way. It might turn into a romance, but there's no guarantee and you don't mind either way.

Bahahah been pretty spot on here lately ;)

Should you? Shouldn't you? Your head's pulling you in one direction; your heart in another. You sense the roots of a recurring problem: same issue, different person. But before you write this one off for good, go with your gut rather than your intellect. It will not lead you astray.

I think I should ;)

Fuuuuuuck

Oh man. The things that just came up. WTF!?!?!?!
This is totally a FML moment. Lets see how this plays out. Blaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!

Put yourself in my shoes, careful what you wish for, love.

What's the matter with our ways
I'm missing something, not to blame
But don't you worry, this will pass
It's only cause my mind's been spinning
No control, I've lost my head
All of this is just beginning
Not enough, it's never enough
I'll only want to keep on dreaming

Well hello, superstition :)

Horoscope of the week says: "Your big brain is quite helpful to your romantic aspirations on Monday and Tuesday. It's a great time to make your case and show your sweetie (or potential sweetie) the advantages of taking the next big step with you. The middle of the week is a hard time to try to communicate, especially if you're discussing anything more serious than what to do tomorrow. Expect plenty of beneath-the-radar messages. Your great personal energy flows back this weekend, and you are more than ready for the big changes that are coming your way."

Imma get, get, get it!!!! ;)

We're going down...

"and you can see it."

I miss you more right now than I have in a while. And I want to shoot myself in the forehead for it. Uuuuugh memories dancing around and everything reminding me of once upon a time. Fuck once upon a times....they are no more. You are no more. I need to breathe easy but I can't. Still pass my mind at least once a day and I don't understand. You don't deserve my time. You don't deserve a damn thing from me. What was will never be again. My mind can wrap around that but my heart is a little slack. GET ON WITH IT!!!!!

Ugh :(

Do you want to be my one and only love....

I've been wishing on a star but I could never have imagined
I would land just where you are after all this lonesome traveling
Took one look in your eye, reach out to hold your hand
This is when I realized that I could never understand
Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?
So you wanna be my friend, so you wanna be my lover
With you I do confess I can't be one without the other
That was hard for me to say, I hope I said it right
Which ever, come what may, you see I need to know tonight
Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to play these cards, do you want to lay them down?
DO you want to run away or do you want o stick around?
Do you want to be my one and only love?
Do you want to be my one and only love?

Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones...

"turn into something beautiful"
Three out of seven days I find myself attractive. Today was one of those days and I got to share it with very few. I hope this week goes smooth. I'm ready for this all to blow over. I'm ready to either pack it up or give it all. "For you I'd bleed myself dry". I love Coldplay. One day I will put together a whole love CD for someone with their songs. Cheesy, I know, but I have waited my whole life to give away that CD. One day someone will care for me just as much as I care for them and together we will set the world on fire<3

Caelia and I went a little photo crazy. I didn't realize til I put them on my computer that I was actually taking good pictures. It's such a shitty thing that that boy did to me. The way I view myself now is ridiculous. Looking at these pictures initially I was disgusted with myself. Now I can't choose which I love the most. My eyes are the most amazing things I've ever seen. Sue me for being conceited.

Get on my level, hoe

I am doooone, son.
Brushin' it off and gettin' gone. Holler atcha laterrrrr

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.....

So much going through my head. So much push and pull going on currently. It amazes me how much can change over night and within such a short period of time- today becomes yesterday and everything changes and turns me upside down. Mind blowing, really. Today was absolutely amazing. There was so much I wanted to say and do but disregarded the thoughts. I really don't understand it at all. I don't understand me either. I don't know what makes it so hard. I don't know why the decisions that are being made are being made. All I can do is stand back and laugh. How does someone at this point change themselves so easily and so readily? I mean, I get why I do suppose but I've never really been one to care what others think or do. I am not changing myself to fit a world that can't and won't stand on its own two anyways. It just breaks my heart for the reasoning behind it all. I don't like this, I don't like it at all. What I grew to know and what it's all becoming now are two completely different things. Shake it off. Let it all go. Who cares what other people do? You shouldn't break so easily. Be the change you want to see in the world. I don't know what the seed of all this is but I wish I could fix it. I wish it was like then rather than what it is now. I'm sure this is all one big jumble of confusing words but I know what I am talking about. It means something to me. "I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down". I'll show you the end and I'll show you it pays off to be the one decent person out there in the world. Stop conforming. Shake your hands clean of this mess and care again. I miss it. I miss it so much. Summertime is coming and I hope it all unfolds in a positive manner. Not happy right now- not at all. Once upon a time. Oh, once upon a time. Come back please. Set me free. I'm waiting<3

Red.

A huge wave of anger just came over me and right about now I am ready to throw out 85% of any and every relationship I have going on right about now. I am tired of baggage and being weighed down by the people I feel are using me. I feel tiny right now.
Fuck you. I'm spring cleaning you gots to go. Bye bye, be gone!

There's a cold heart burried with me....

"with warm blood running in me. Your secrets are mine to keep"

I don't quite know where I am right now but where ever it is I would like to head out. And I don't mean that in a literal manner, I'm sitting at my house. I know exactly where I am. Trying to digest this all at once is just overwhelming. Too much running through my head. Too much crap for me to be thinking about right now. Things coming in from every direction and each thing taking a little more energy to handle than the one before it. I guess this is life- I did sign up for this nonsense when I decided what I wanted and where I was going but geeeeeez! I need to wash away these worries in the ocean. I would kill, currently, to be on the west coast, sitting out, enjoying the salty breeze running through my lungs. "My bones were shattered- my pride lay shattered". I don't know where I am going with this now except that I want out. ASAP! I need some security. I don't want habit but I do want comfort and I haven't been comfortable in a loooooong time. Oh, those days once upon a time. No, they probably aren't the days most are thinking of. Blah, summer get here soon. I need a good dance in the rain and late night walks full of deep, meaningful conversation, and late nights on the back porch with hookah and alcohol. I need a release. Come soon<3

:) You're not that easy to forget.

Currently I am 100% excited. Got my new bathing suit and some summer clothes and everything is falling into place. I will win. Like I said, mark my words. I am ten times better than that bullshit.

Today was interesting- Lady said I favored Marquavious and a little seven year old girl declared me as her girlfriends? WTF!?!!?!? Ahahahah!

Slightly inebriated but that's when it all comes out. I will fucking win, just wait baby ;)
Drop it like it's hoooooot! Full permission and complete confidence. Y'all niggas aint shiiiiiiiit!!!!!

I love you.

Well I'm fallin head-over-heels for you....

I've been jumping from the tops of buildings
For the thrill of the fall
Ignoring sound advice
And any thought of consequence.
My bones are shattered.
My pride is shattered.
And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain I can see my beautiful rescue.
I'm falling more in love with every single word I withhold.
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say.
I'm falling head-over-heels for you.
I've been dancing on the tops of buildings.
At the top of my lungs I'm singing you a song.
Don't you leave me alone.
My bones were shattered.
My pride lays shattered.
Well I'll trample my pride and tell the whole world to dance with me.
I'm falling more in love with every single word I withhold.
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say.
I'm falling head-over-heels for you again.
I'm crying out."Wash my hands, these bloody hands Lord.
Open my mouth and I'll sing.
"I'm falling more in love with every single word I withhold.
I'm falling more in love with every single word you say.
I'm falling head-over-heels for you.
I've been dancing on the tops of buildings-with you.

Such a beautiful day in the park.

Posting these for Brittni. I wish there had been more :/

Break from studying for art and singing along with The Kooks. I would marry every last one of them aha. I need someone to sing me to sleep. Dear sir, please come find me soon<3

Going to bed....

liquored up reminds me of those times so long ago. Hahaha what the fuck does that say to you? Sleeping with liquor seeping from my pores and veins reminds me of you. Seriously? What a sad fucking illustration. Downed almost a half of a bottle of Jager to myself tonight. Still not drunk and still feeling something. I hate this tolerance I have. I want it to be gone. I want to be numb. I'm on my way to accomplishing those goals. Done with giving out effort to those who only take, take, take. Don't rub me the wrong way- I will bite back. I don't take being played with very lightly. Those moments will come back and haunt you. I always get what I want and this is no exception. I will be back on top and on my grind. Just you wait and see ;)

Nights have grown lonely and dreams leave me craving. Lets fix this soon. Take that as you want but only I know what it means. Come take a walk in my shoes and have a taste of my intentions. I'm neither simple nor easy so don't be confused. I know what I want.

I just want back in your head....

I hate myself for ever missing you anymore. You're totally and completely not worth it. Not one bit. I regret the day I ever let you get under my skin because I've been working ever since to drain you out of this body of mine. Draining out the poison and, boy, it's hard as hell. These seasons and these smells bring back memories that hit me like a brick wall. The past is the past and I can't stay there- shit, I don't want to stay there. For the most part I like where I'm at and I like where I seem to be going and there's no baggage necessary, thanks.

I hate how stagnant everything has become lately. I'm tired of breathing the same air in this place I've been for far too long. I need some changes. I need some chances. I feel like I'm running on autopilot in a cycle. Maybe this is why I am retreating to old habits and mannerisms? I need out. "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"- Always a constant. I need a new track and I need it soon. Someone surprise me, surprise me with something exciting and adventurous. Tension is on high for hopes of something that may never come and I need a vacation from it. These things run through my head everytime I slow down and have a chance to breathe. So much for breathing. It's amazing how honest I can be but how much I can hold myself back at the same time- usually on the things that I want to say most. Blaaaah. Makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I knew a little more and stressed a little less. It's such a hard thing because when I make up my mind it's dead set and there's no going back until I say it's done and I'm no quitter. I wish I could read some people better. Such a hard thing to do when I actually want to. sjdksajdkjskajdkjaskdjalskjdlsjaklfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUUUUCK!!!!!! Take these things and throw them out the window. Done caring and done trying. I want to numb up again. Once upon a time I knew how to do such a thing- I've become soft and let some people in too close. That never comes out fine in the end. Cutting ties and cutting out heart. Gotta be safe rather than sorry. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish it was then and not now. I feel like I missed the window of opportunity. I've made it before and I'll come back again. You just mark my words.

Please don't take my last money!

Hahahah I love cops!

Holy hell, my liver is going to be so thankful for Spring Break to finally be over. I haven't had a sober day since Monday ahhaaaa. Hello, alcoholic! I've become quite the bartender. So much to say & so much to do! I'm ready for the week to be over and everything to settle down. I hate group projects split up between seven different people. I could pull my hair out at how last minute and unorganized this is all unfolding.

Baby, I need your lovin'! Got to have allll your lovin'!
Come back around. Shawty, swing my waaaaay ;)
Dranks are callin' my name again. Peace!

Just a voice inside your head...

"whispering all the hope is dead" aha gotta love the Cary Brothers.

What a fucking week. Never have I been more excited to see the lights of Atlanta than I was last night on that plane. Xanax made that trip fly by, even though the creepy old man watched me sleep. Whatever. Oh- this week. The things I have learned this week and the things I have sorted out within my own head this week. It's ridiculous.
-Everytime your name comes up these days it's one-hundred percent surrounded by shitty news. Bye-bye, be gone. I hate myself for still caring sometimes. It's absolutely insane. Never have I wasted so much as I did with all of that. Whaaaaat was I thinking? Brushed you off my shoulders and no more holding me back. Thank, Christ!
- It's really sad that I don't miss you at all. Well, except when I'm under the influence and I hear a tune that brings up past memories but that's all it is. Living in the past. The past is the past and that's where it should stay. I am working on that. I find you to be one hell of a hypocrite but we're not going there. I almost feel like a cold person when I am able to say that this whole ordeal doesn't tug on my heart one bit. Two separate roads and two different people- shit happens. Thanks for the laughs. Wishing you the best in all you do. Hollerrrrr.

Twenty-seven degrees pretty much everyday last week. Holy crap! I've adjusted to the warmer weather and, maaaan, did that cold have me craving some company. Snuggles, please. It has to be completely awkward how cold my hands and feet get. Sorry ahead of time to anyone I may lend my hands to. Not very inviting ha.
"And when I get this feeling, I gots to have sexual heaaaaling" hahaha I've been belting that out all week. I have to pervert everything.

I find it to be rather ridiculous how all week I've had all sorts of things swirling through my mind but my laptop was back in Georgia so I couldn't ramble but here I am trying to jot it all down and I've come to a blank. Then again my confusion always comes late at night. This is a sign I need to get to my Biology shit. I'll finish this up tonight.

Constantly craving company at this point- and, no, I don't mean for kicks and giggles. Blaaaaaaah. Spring- bring me a maaaaan ahaaa!

Maine- here I come.

So I suckered up and joined the spot. I've had a livejournal (two, actually) and here we go again with the spot. I've had so many things running around in this head of mine it may turn out to be a good thing. Dig in deep and soak it up- this is about as honest as I get. It's about 2:30 in the AM so I'm going to pass on spilling my word vomit to the site for now- shall return.

18 hours from now and I'll be on a tiny ass plane to Portland, Maine. The fear runs deep right about now. Three hours- I only have to deal with it for three hours and then my feet will feel the ground once again. iPod needs to be updated, suitcase not yet finished. I always wait til the last minute. I cannot wait to get out of this town and get all this nonsense out of my head. Thank God for Spring Break.