LAWLZZZ!!!

So here I sit cracking up reading these old posts and how fucking emotional they tend to be but, then again, I am an emotional writer. I eat when I am happy and purge my words when I am sad. Now I have chosen to allow a select few to read. That's a strange thing for me to do, my journal is generally private. I think I like the idea of letting the few into my skull. Hello there, you few! So, anyways, where to begin? No clue. Sitting watching Rachel Zoe and going over the first day of the new semester (shut up, Rachel Zoe is awesome). This semester is going to be quite the interesting adventure. Last semester was practically perfect so this time around has some big shoes to fill. Same place I was four months ago but none of it feels the same. Routine is different, lunch is different, it's all just different. Rubs me the wrong way right now. Even starting with hot air makes it strange, I am ready for the chill. Mmm, come to me cold weather with adventures :) I cannot wait. One more year left and then I have to really step it up with the big dogs!!! WHOA!!! Where'd the time go? It's been quite the first day, though ha. Late, period, emotional ahahaha. Laughable, completely. Okay, FYI to those of you who decide to stick around to read- I change thoughts mid-sentence so odds are I am just going to come off as a mess buuut then again what's the different in real life? Aha this zooming brain of mine is nonstop, bare with me ;)

Later, gator!

I got a stone where my heart should be

"I thought you changed but I should have known
You play nice for a time but then you do me wrong
I thought long and hard about what I should say
But when I was through it just came out this way"

Never again. Never again will you be allowed to spit on me so shamefully.

So, happy 2010? It's been a minute- a long minute indeed. How've you been? I've been to there and back again and damn does it taste so good now. So much clarity, so much desire, just soooo much life. I'm living again. "Had me fighting for air laying on the ground". Once upon a time. Now all I can do is laugh. Laugh at what has happened. Laugh at where I am versus where any of you are. The view from up here is amazing. How does it look from down there? Ha, what do I care? Succeeding in school tremendously, steady job, reliable friends, positive pursuits. What more could I ask for? I am happy with 98% of everything around me. I haven't felt this way in quite some time. Who ever said this growing up thing had to be so bad? I kind of like it- kind of like knowing I am better of and being able to walk away. As I walked away from the wreckage you were consumed by it. I still feel sorry. You're such a hurricane. Bringing nothing but destruction and pain. Never again will I write a thing mentioning you. "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year...wish you were here" Not anymore. I've changed my paths and no longer desire anything of the sort. Junior in college. That's a hard thing to sink my teeth into. I feel like I was just a junior in high school ha. My, my how the times do fly. Looking back and reading old pages of life makes me want to vomit haha UGH! How was I ever like that? First semester at GSU is almost over- yes, I know it's only midterms but look how fast this came? It'll be gone in the blink of an eye. Taking a semester off was the best thing I could have ever done. Never have I loved just encompassing myself in anything and everything school related. I have come to appreciate it all. Now lets just hope for the next six years (at least) that I can keep this motivation ha. Spring break in T-minus six days- headed to Savannah! I think I may start this back up. I do like writing the occasional journal. Maybe next time it'll be a little more exciting.

Bitch, holla back!

How's it gonna be

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be


Never in my life have I been so hurt. Never in my life have I been so hateful. Never in my life have I wanted to brush it off as badly as I do right now but somehow I have yet to find the footing to help get me into lift off. I have never wished death upon someone in a serious manner but yet I find myself doing it over and over and over again. Unexistance in some cases would be more benefitial to life than not. The anger I carry with me is growing into a ridiculous load. The shit on my shoulders is growing into a ridiculous mass- Festering and just eating me alive. If I could wash off the stink I would. If I could remove the disgust I would but somehow it still circles around inside of me. If I could do the job with my own bare hands I really think I'd do it. I'd bless this world with my hands positioned so perfectly around that neck and within a few minutes there'd be silence. I'm such a bad person to be able to say or think that. But, hey, I'll be throwing the parties down in Hell anyways.

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."- Polybius. That quote in itself should be m0re than plenty for me. Because at the end of the day there is a seed of good somewhere and once light hits it again it'll all come out. And karma will be paid for all this mess and destruction. Nothing good or benefitial can come from something to evil and deceiteful. Hope for one but none for the other. Why there's hope still being prayed for I don't know. It's not worth the time or the worry. You're not worth a single breath or thought- but it's there. "Those who know how to win are much more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories". Every event in life and every situation that one crawls through is a lesson to be learned. Slowly but surely we are beginning to fail at turning this life events into lessons learned. We are becoming just plain ignorant. You're ignorant. Empathy, not sympathy. Of anyone I know you're one who should learn how to empathize because if you could than no harm and no foul could come of you. You've walked the miles in the shoes but somehow you've forgotten the feeling. How exactly does one forget? How do you forget or repress a feeling like that? A hurt like that? Never will I forget. I won't let it hold me back but I won't let it be a lesson gone missing. Never ever.

It's a funny thing what people can say out of anger- or just in spite. To preach one thing and become a complete hyprocrite the next second. 95% of really hurtful things are more than likely said only out of spite and are anything but genuine. These are the words that are later regretted. Think before you speak. Speak not with a sharp tongue unless you are completely aware and okay with the repercussions that are to come from it. Apologies can be said and are sometimes necessary but you can only apologize so many times before the word "apology" begins to resemble the word "bullshit". I know better than any. I read it all better than any. I can figure it out better than any. Test me not. I spend my time getting to know people and being able to read them and understand them. My brain is a complex place to be. Odds are nothing you have to offer is anything harder to bare. Like the back of my hand, darling. I know this cycle all too well. I know this nonsense all too well. You forget but I do not. I just pitty it all, really. Pitty the decisions made and the words slammed around. I do not regret anything I have said because if anything I have refrained more than I have jumped the gun. I have meant what I have said and I stick to it firmly. I just hate that you probably will never be able to say the same. You've learned the buttons to push and boy do those buttons tend to feel like jagged knives but I have grown an armor to it all. I know better than that. I know better than you.

I pray; I pray for you and all the mistakes and decisions. I pray for lots of things. It's not worth it and you're not worth it but it happens. I pray for everyone I love and that's just that. Maybe one day God will show up again in this place and help me to cut these ties. You've been burning bridges faster than you can run and odds are you won't be able to fix it this time. Better start praying for some rain and clarity there, darling. I pray for stability and clarity. I see quite clear but now I need to find my footing once again. I feel it coming though. Fear no evil- can't no bitches hold me down.

<3

Oh, me. How I do love you. Insecurities are fleeting. I like this.

Realizations

Today I was just think,think,thinkin. Nothing new, nothing different. Then it hit me like a back of bricks. Maybe it was me who left You first? I lost the faith and I lost the effort. So perhaps I deserved this struggle? Perhaps it was Your way to show me that Your help is needed. I lost faith a long time ago. Maybe that's why I wonder where God has gone. I left Him first. I am not a religious person, at all. I don't believe in organized religion- I just believe in having a faith. I know You're there- somewhere. I just haven't seen You in a long, long time. But now I am beginning to see that maybe it's because I have been running in the opposite direction. Once upon a time I felt so sure of life and You. I had my struggles but somehow I was helped through them all. This time it just keeps piling on. More and more is learned and lost. Now I see that maybe it is all me. With eyes wide shut I keep you out. I'm too stubborn for help. I've tried to take it all on by myself for a while now. I should change that. I need to accept what You give and use it to the full potential. I am oh so sorry for my lost ways. Life is my own adventure though. I had to go off roading for at least a minute there. Back to You now? I am going to try. I am going to try to find that faith. Paths will meet again and this time I won't be so blind and stubborn. I'm coming.

Don't leave just yet

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind,
all these ups and downs,
they trip up our good intentions,
nobody said this was easy ride.

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Can we get back to the point of this conversation,
when we saw things through each others eyes,
cause now all I see is ruin and devastation,
we all need some place we can hide inside and

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

I’m smart enough to know,
that life goes by,
and it leaves a trail of broken hearts behind,
if you feel I’m letting go,
just give me time,
I’ll come running to your side,

Can you tell me how we got in this situation,
I can’t seem to get you off my mind cause
After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
after all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’

After all we’re only human,
always fighting what we’re feeling,
hurt instead of healing,
After all we’re only human,
is there any other reason why we stay instead of leavin’ after all

Any other reason
to stay instead of leavin’
after all, yeah


"Lets give this one more chance before we say goodbye
don't leave just yet I was mistaken,
my hands are tied my time is wasting
and I just want you to know, that I need you now,
don't leave just yet "

Don't give up so easily. Hold out for it- we've come too far to stop this now. Speak those sweet, sweet words to me once again. I know you have it in you. I know I have it in me. Too much is right for it to be wrong. Anything that is worth it is worth fighting for. Life is an occasion- rise to it. Rise to where you belong. And you belong with me- not trash.
Breathe out so I can breathe you in. I do wait for the days to share the same air as you. Live for it. When it rains it pours but in the end it can't rain forever. I just wish this little rain cloud above my head would clear up and let the sunshine back in. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.

Life.

I've been thinking on this all day. I can guarantee that it's not going to be the same or as well written as it would have been earlier because I can never sit down and write out my thoughts when they're fresh but whatever. Life's been interesting this year. Interesting to say in the least. Within the past twelve months I have grown greatly and have learned so much of myself. It's amazing how you really never stop growing or learning- if you choose to. I love stepping back and watching these lost souls floating around me. No desires or goals in life. No passion or care. No motivation to create the life they could achieve and appreciate. I always ask why? How? How can you be so content with just being....well, content? Who ever said you have to settle? Fuck settling- I refuse. You only live life once and you're never guaranteed that next breath. Screw wasting time anymore. Don't get me wrong, slow and steady does win the race but if you never take the risks then you'll forever be pacing around in the same circle. Never do I want to cross a road that I've already walked down. Changes- I always want to see the changes. Situations can and will be the same but the outcome will always be different. I refuse to accept anything else. I decided a long time ago that I will never look back and regret. Never. I know sometimes I'll look back and realize," Hey, I could have done that differently. Could have had a handle on it so much better." But take that fucking lesson and run with it. Put it in your pocket and try it different. Grow in your own person. I am not the same person as I was and come tomorrow I'll be different yet again. I am forever changing. Now, no, this does not mean that my character will change or my being as a whole will change but I am learning. I am fine tuning myself for the future and I will continue to be a damn good person. I'm letting go of the fears and grabbing what I want. Slowly but surely I will do it. I think everyone should be this way. "Look at the stars, look how they shine for you." Damn straight. This world is ours for the taking. I am going to take my part. I don't even know where I got off for this rant but I've just had this ball rolling and growing in my thoughts. And now it's time to put it down. Hesitations lead to regrets. No more hesitating. No more "what if's?" What's there honestly to lose? Things are always changing. No one can say that they haven't been through nonsense in their life and, if they can, then they live a pretty sad and sheltered life anyways. If you've made it out of hard spots then don't you think you can do it again? It takes bad to appreciate the good and it only tastes so much sweeter when you've had to work your ass for it. I'm rambling. But in my head it's all straight and clear ha. That's all that matters. Anyways- fucking take what you want in life. Live that shit to the fullest. Live knowing you enjoyed every moment of it while you were living with it, prepare for tomorrow but don't allow it to hinder your experiences. Because tomorrow is never a guaranteed. I'm want to be known for how well I lived my life and that I wasn't some waste of space in the universe. I have made a difference somewhere and will continue to do so. Get on my level.