Realizations

Today I was just think,think,thinkin. Nothing new, nothing different. Then it hit me like a back of bricks. Maybe it was me who left You first? I lost the faith and I lost the effort. So perhaps I deserved this struggle? Perhaps it was Your way to show me that Your help is needed. I lost faith a long time ago. Maybe that's why I wonder where God has gone. I left Him first. I am not a religious person, at all. I don't believe in organized religion- I just believe in having a faith. I know You're there- somewhere. I just haven't seen You in a long, long time. But now I am beginning to see that maybe it's because I have been running in the opposite direction. Once upon a time I felt so sure of life and You. I had my struggles but somehow I was helped through them all. This time it just keeps piling on. More and more is learned and lost. Now I see that maybe it is all me. With eyes wide shut I keep you out. I'm too stubborn for help. I've tried to take it all on by myself for a while now. I should change that. I need to accept what You give and use it to the full potential. I am oh so sorry for my lost ways. Life is my own adventure though. I had to go off roading for at least a minute there. Back to You now? I am going to try. I am going to try to find that faith. Paths will meet again and this time I won't be so blind and stubborn. I'm coming.