I just want back in your head....

I hate myself for ever missing you anymore. You're totally and completely not worth it. Not one bit. I regret the day I ever let you get under my skin because I've been working ever since to drain you out of this body of mine. Draining out the poison and, boy, it's hard as hell. These seasons and these smells bring back memories that hit me like a brick wall. The past is the past and I can't stay there- shit, I don't want to stay there. For the most part I like where I'm at and I like where I seem to be going and there's no baggage necessary, thanks.

I hate how stagnant everything has become lately. I'm tired of breathing the same air in this place I've been for far too long. I need some changes. I need some chances. I feel like I'm running on autopilot in a cycle. Maybe this is why I am retreating to old habits and mannerisms? I need out. "We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year"- Always a constant. I need a new track and I need it soon. Someone surprise me, surprise me with something exciting and adventurous. Tension is on high for hopes of something that may never come and I need a vacation from it. These things run through my head everytime I slow down and have a chance to breathe. So much for breathing. It's amazing how honest I can be but how much I can hold myself back at the same time- usually on the things that I want to say most. Blaaaah. Makes me sick to my stomach. I wish I knew a little more and stressed a little less. It's such a hard thing because when I make up my mind it's dead set and there's no going back until I say it's done and I'm no quitter. I wish I could read some people better. Such a hard thing to do when I actually want to. sjdksajdkjskajdkjaskdjalskjdlsjaklfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUUUUCK!!!!!! Take these things and throw them out the window. Done caring and done trying. I want to numb up again. Once upon a time I knew how to do such a thing- I've become soft and let some people in too close. That never comes out fine in the end. Cutting ties and cutting out heart. Gotta be safe rather than sorry. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish it was then and not now. I feel like I missed the window of opportunity. I've made it before and I'll come back again. You just mark my words.