OH MAN!!!!

Amazing. Completely amazing. No, I am not bipolar and I am not writing off my previous entry but right now I feel good. I am still uneasy, somewhere in there, but for now..... for this second... I am happy. Xanax leveled me out and then that just made me easy like Sunday morning.
Oh, you. Ooooh, you ;)

And it all comes creepin' in

I don't know what the hell just happened but this wave of uncertainty just crashed over me and my anxiety is sky high. And I don't even know why, where it came from, or anything. I seriously don't like it. Right now I could curl up into a ball with a pillow over my head and not see anyone for days and I'd be fine. I can't swallow anything right now. My brain functions just aren't connecting like they should. What the fuck is going on? WHAT the FUCK is going on? I need to breathe. I need to disconnect. I need this uncertainty to go away. Whatever is causing it needs to stop or I need to adjust. Maybe it's just from this level of stress I've been functioning on lately and now there's no need since school is out. I don't know.

I just want to be happy. I just want to enjoy these next few weeks and then my birthday and summer and whatnot. I need a smooth transaction into this next chapter of my life. This road I've walked has been bumpy for far too long now. It's time to level out. I need it to level out. I'm tired of swimming against the current. I've struggled enough. God, just give me a break, please. Walk with me and not against me- for my sanity's sake.
Not trying to sound unappreciative cause I am thankful for every breath because I know it's not a guarantee but I'm just saying, I've been carrying on with this balancing act for a while now. Teeter-tottering on the line of happy and sad is not my idea of good things. I'm tired of being crazy. I have too much crazy in my blood. Oh the things I can think up on my own. Never a good thing.

Good times, get here fast. I need my kicks and giggles. Turn this frown upside down. I need out, I need a road trip. I need to smell new things and shrug off the things that surround me daily. I just need a break. Please.

I need you so much closer....

And I cannot guess what we'll discover

When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels

But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s

And not one speck will remain

And I do believe it’s true

That there are roads left in both of our shoes

But if the silence takes you

Then I hope it takes me too

So brown eyes I hold you near

Cause you’re the only song I want to hear

A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

Where soul meets body

Oh, Death Cab.....

Heart jumped in my throat, anxiety attack on the way.....

You just came up out of nowhere once again. Nick just texted me and my heart hasn't beat this fast in a long time. Fuuuuuuuck. I can't do this.