I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When your not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Never in my life have I been so hurt. Never in my life have I been so hateful. Never in my life have I wanted to brush it off as badly as I do right now but somehow I have yet to find the footing to help get me into lift off. I have never wished death upon someone in a serious manner but yet I find myself doing it over and over and over again. Unexistance in some cases would be more benefitial to life than not. The anger I carry with me is growing into a ridiculous load. The shit on my shoulders is growing into a ridiculous mass- Festering and just eating me alive. If I could wash off the stink I would. If I could remove the disgust I would but somehow it still circles around inside of me. If I could do the job with my own bare hands I really think I'd do it. I'd bless this world with my hands positioned so perfectly around that neck and within a few minutes there'd be silence. I'm such a bad person to be able to say or think that. But, hey, I'll be throwing the parties down in Hell anyways.
"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."- Polybius. That quote in itself should be m0re than plenty for me. Because at the end of the day there is a seed of good somewhere and once light hits it again it'll all come out. And karma will be paid for all this mess and destruction. Nothing good or benefitial can come from something to evil and deceiteful. Hope for one but none for the other. Why there's hope still being prayed for I don't know. It's not worth the time or the worry. You're not worth a single breath or thought- but it's there. "Those who know how to win are much more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories". Every event in life and every situation that one crawls through is a lesson to be learned. Slowly but surely we are beginning to fail at turning this life events into lessons learned. We are becoming just plain ignorant. You're ignorant. Empathy, not sympathy. Of anyone I know you're one who should learn how to empathize because if you could than no harm and no foul could come of you. You've walked the miles in the shoes but somehow you've forgotten the feeling. How exactly does one forget? How do you forget or repress a feeling like that? A hurt like that? Never will I forget. I won't let it hold me back but I won't let it be a lesson gone missing. Never ever.
It's a funny thing what people can say out of anger- or just in spite. To preach one thing and become a complete hyprocrite the next second. 95% of really hurtful things are more than likely said only out of spite and are anything but genuine. These are the words that are later regretted. Think before you speak. Speak not with a sharp tongue unless you are completely aware and okay with the repercussions that are to come from it. Apologies can be said and are sometimes necessary but you can only apologize so many times before the word "apology" begins to resemble the word "bullshit". I know better than any. I read it all better than any. I can figure it out better than any. Test me not. I spend my time getting to know people and being able to read them and understand them. My brain is a complex place to be. Odds are nothing you have to offer is anything harder to bare. Like the back of my hand, darling. I know this cycle all too well. I know this nonsense all too well. You forget but I do not. I just pitty it all, really. Pitty the decisions made and the words slammed around. I do not regret anything I have said because if anything I have refrained more than I have jumped the gun. I have meant what I have said and I stick to it firmly. I just hate that you probably will never be able to say the same. You've learned the buttons to push and boy do those buttons tend to feel like jagged knives but I have grown an armor to it all. I know better than that. I know better than you.
I pray; I pray for you and all the mistakes and decisions. I pray for lots of things. It's not worth it and you're not worth it but it happens. I pray for everyone I love and that's just that. Maybe one day God will show up again in this place and help me to cut these ties. You've been burning bridges faster than you can run and odds are you won't be able to fix it this time. Better start praying for some rain and clarity there, darling. I pray for stability and clarity. I see quite clear but now I need to find my footing once again. I feel it coming though. Fear no evil- can't no bitches hold me down.
